went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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