I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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