so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
