Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
