He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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