I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
