he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
