Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Randomize
