I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
