You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
