proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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