You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
