You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
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