the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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