So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
