i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize