if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
