i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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