I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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