Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
