A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
