he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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