Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
