tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
