Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
