I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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