Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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