She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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