Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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