New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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