i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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