Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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