I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
