I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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