This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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