I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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