I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why do cheetos always look like penises
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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