So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
