i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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