went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
sex in a hospital.. check
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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