how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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