I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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