yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
