Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
