Farmville is her only friend.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
