life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
