If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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