I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
