I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
