Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
