smell my finger.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
