you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
