You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I look excited, but its just a facade.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
