The maid of honor just puked.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
