After last night, I could never be a politician.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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