the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
